They say I have a heart condition. Here I was thinking it was my bones. They have been so heavy. I guess my ribcage knew it held a sick heart within, I guess my legs buckled from the news. I suppose it’s all connected inside, and pieces of me are falling like dominoes.
They told me my condition isn’t rare at all, though often it’s mild enough to go unnoticed. It will build up inside if one is exposed too frequently within a short timespan. Build and build and then take the heart hostage.
They call it disappointment.
If I continue to be exposed, it will spread to my lungs, my gut, my brain. I want to hope it won’t happen, but they’re warning me against trying to hope. It’s too soon. Too risky.
I’m not sure what to do without it.
I’m shown a chart of how disappointment cuts and slices away at the heart, leaving little wounds that grow with time. I think my energy is leaking out of them. I think my condition is worse than I thought.
They won’t tell me of a remedy. I need to find one.
There’s a fog rolling in behind my eyes, blurring the horizon. I want to ask for help, but they’re all backing away with apologetic eyes. They think it’s contagious. I think I believe them. I ask them for something, anything to hold on to. They say something like that could make the condition worse. I don’t have the energy to argue. My heart isn’t pounding like it used to.
My hand flailed out in a dull panic, hitting something solid and holding on instinctively. They said it could make things worse, but I don’t want to fall. In my mind, I imagine being pulled, like I am dangling off a cliff and someone has me by my wrist. I don’t want to fall, but trying anything else seems like such draining work. Anything helpful is in that rolling fog.
I don’t want to fall.
My heart is sick, and I must be gentle with it. My bones are weary, and I must find them rest. My mind is lost in a fog, and I must spin for it a shining thread of hope.
They warn me against it, but I’m willing to take the risk. Light but strong like spider silk, I will spin hope until I am once again surrounded by its web. Without it I have no courage, without it I have no strength. If this thread is broken, I will spin another. Again and again I will spin, for though a breaking thread hurts terribly, falling . . .
Falling would kill me.